Monday, January 4, 2010

Brokenness and a New Year

There's a Joel Engle song we sing in church called "Nothing Left of Me".

Your sacrifice is brokenness
A heart that's full of Tenderness
come and break me Lord
To seek You in Your righteousness
To find You in Your holiness
Come and take me Lord
That I could learn to trust You
In every way to love You

Strip away all that remains for Your glory and Your Name
'til there's nothing left of me
Burn the kingdoms I have made
that You would shine
And I would fade '
til there's nothing left of me'til there's nothing left of me

Your Spirit is the only One
that can conform me
To Your Son
let Him move in me ?
Your grace is written deep in me
You've signed my heart to purity
with Your holy blood

Aren't the lyrics beautiful? I've always sung this and meant it. It turns out I had no clue.

Lately, stripped away is how I feel. But the sweet surrendering spirit I felt when singing this is nothing like I feel now--stripped and bare and raw. I want to cry out to God, "Hey, wait, I changed my mind!" Actually, that probably sounds a lot better than what I've been saying to God lately.

I believe that God is using this very low place in my life for good. I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that He is good. I know that He loves me. I've always said (well, at least for many years I've said) that He is enough. Enough for my heart. Enough for my hurts. Enough for my needs. I meant it, but...... Now God is teaching me that He is Enough (at this point, that's what I see the lesson being-Irealize that when I'm on the other side of this time I may find that there was another lesson.)

My new year's resolution was going to be to seek God more. I'm thinking it should probably be to seek Him more fully and to surrender completely to Him. See, the problem is: This is not what I want to do!!! I realized last night at church as we sang that my arms were crossed over my chest and my jaw was tight, not only was I sad, but I was really angry. I do not want to be broken anymore. I do not want to surrender my dreams. I do not want to live on faith, stepping when led to step and drawing back when led to draw back. I want to have a plan. I want to know how it ends. I want to be in control. I don't want it to hurt anymore!

Here are my resolutions for 2010:

1. Love and seek God with my whole heart, mind, soul and strength.

2. Surrender control in whatever area God asks (again and again, as necessary) until surrender is complete.

I fully expect that when 2011 arrives, my heart will look much different--if I persevere.


mrs_eric said...

Stay in your secret place... only there will you have any rest or comfort!
Praying for you.

Lynn Cowell said...

I see the last time you posted was January. Are you still feeling stripped away?